Jerusalem is hot for erotic video on demand (VOD) action

Apparently, in a recent study of all video on demand content viewed by customers of the Israeli cable company HOT, Jerusalem viewers watch more erotic content than viewers in any other city in Israel. The most viewed content by Tel Aviv customers is documentary.

Take that, J-town!

The details were discussed on the evening’s economic news program, Economic Night, and posted to their Facebook page.

Swine Flu in Israel Infects Government Ministers

Ben Hartman has a great piece in today’s Ha’Aretz newspaper about the sheer insanity of Israeli politics, how coalitions are put together, who runs our ministries and why we have nothing to do but laugh at the situation.

On what must have been a slow day at the Knesset, the de facto head of the Health Ministry, MK Yakov Litzman, stated Monday that swine flu would be from here on in referred to as “Mexican Flu,” as pork is non-kosher and considered unclean under Jewish law.

…While this may seem to be just the semi-weekly “Haredi government minister gone wild” comment that makes for great office banter, the truth is that it’s just one more in a series of state-sanctioned declarations by a government official that serves only to further humiliate Israel in the eyes of the world.

Israel and Fuel Prices

Gotta love our beloved Israeli, when asked about his views on rising fuel prices:

“I don’t care about the price – I always fill up only 50 [shekels]”

When informed by the interviewer that he will be getting less fuel if he continues paying the same total, our friend says:

“No, not really, as you can see, I drive a scooter”

The video itself is highly recommended! To view it, visit the site here and skip exactly two minutes into the video. To make sure you’re viewing the right video, it should be the one that says (in Hebrew): “Einav Galili laughs at the whole world.”

TWS 2008 – Worst Israeli High Tech/Internet Conference Ever

The arrogance and silliness of Israelis reached an all-time low with what must have been the most disapointing high tech/Internet conference ever.

The TWS 2008 event earlier today assembled a group of 10 Israeli start-ups (although I’m not sure what Answers Corporations was doing there, almost 10 years after being founded) to present themselves to the Israeli marketplace, VCs and others in the Industry. In addition to the featured “start-ups” were panel discussions and other bonuses.

One of my main problems with the conference was that everyone was forced to speak in English. Just because someone is an entrepreneur, even a very smart one, doesn’t mean he or she’s a good presenter on stage. What’s more, it doesn’t mean he’s a good presenter when forced to use something other than his mother tongue. Worst of all, of coruse, is when people make bad jokes in their second or third languages. I understand there were several people from America who don’t speak Hebrew but translations should have been provided for them, not the other way around. Some presentations were entirely incoherent, defeating any purpose of trying to cater to the few rich foreigners (in the end no one ended up understanding anything).

Because most of the panel discussions were entirely boring, without direction and filled with nothing but buzzwords (“mobile is going to be big!”) most people didn’t even pay attention to what was going on on-stage. Certainly nothing new was shared or learned today. This was exacerbated by nearly every speakers’ silly habbit of polling the audience. Almost no one raised their hand for any question. “Eh, how many peoples in audience have profiles on the Facebook?” “If you do twitters raise your hands.”

The event opened with a game both excruciating to watch and painful to participate in. They has three different venture capitalists pitch the audience based on Powerpoint presentations they had never seen before. What could have been a funny 60 second excericse turned into 30 minutes of grown men making fools of themselves to an audience that couldn’t have cared less.

Combined, I think more harm was done to the impression foreigners have of Israeli high tech than anything else. The games we play here, the lack of professionalism in how projects are presented and the complete lack of respect we show for each other that leads us to leave cell phone ringers on and talk in loud conversations while some poor guy is trying to present his product in something other than his mother tongue.

Israeli CEOs are Stupid

This post isn’t meant to poke fun at a random Israeli speaking with a few mistakes. Rather, I am picking on one Israeli to make a larger point. For most Israeli companies to succeed they have to have their eyes and strategy set on international markets from the beginning. The Israeli marketplace simply isn’t large enough to sustain many large companies. So start-ups immediately set their sights on Europe, the Far-East or America as destinations to export their technologies and as targets for their marketing.

That’s all fair and good. The problem begins with a basic Israeli weakness – the overwhelming impossibility of a typical Israeli to admit his or her flaws. You’ll seldom hear waiters or public sector workers admit they don’t know something or that they did something wrong. This universal Israeli weakness is even more acute among those that become entrepreneurs and managers. Of course, if they are ambitious, have ideas and pursue them, they will almost never admit personal shortcomings.

A very blatant example of this phenomenon is seen in almost all Israeli attempts to market their products to American audiences. The false-confidence stems not only from general over-confidence but also from most Israeli businesspeoples’ belief that they know English well. “Ehhhh, of course, I spent one year in America with Shoshana and the kids, of course I am speaking the English goodly.”

In my line of work I get to meet a lot of Israeli start-ups and entrepreneurs. Those I like will surely hear from me this tirade and my bottom line of “get a native English speaker on your team to present your company to Americans! Do not assume you’ll do a good job just because you’re the CEO and grew up watching Seinfeld.”

What prompted me to write this post is a video by Israeli CEO Uri Shinar giving an elevator pitch for his company, Aniboom, which Techcrunch posted recently. Click here to see the video (sorry that WordPress won’t let me embed it here but I promise you its worth the link to watch this horrible video).

In my opinion the video is the perfect example of the over-confident Israeli CEO telling himself “of course I should be the one doing the pitch, I am the CEO.” What he probably didn’t consider for a second is that his English will not only be a detriment to the video but may even turn people off entirely because they won’t really “get” what he’s trying to say. And before you tell me that maybe he had no one else available to do the video let me say that I know for certain several native English speakers work at the company. One of them could have made the company’s pitch in even less than 30 seconds and wouldn’t have made people cringe from some of the mistakes Uri made: “eh, we get great feedbacks from the peoples.”

Good luck Uri! I hope others learn something from this, seriously.

It’s Making the Fashions, Part III

Can it be? Are Israelis actually fashionable?

“STREET CLASH is an international style competition between blogs & photographers around the world. At the end, one city will be named best dressed 2007.”

I think we’re all stunned to find that Israeli street fashion blog ILook won! Christmas is indeed the time for miracles.

Thanks to Designist Dream for the heads up.

It’s Making the Fashions, Part II

Thanks to Designist Dream for a great link to an insanely out-of-touch article on Ha’Aretz.com today, titled How We Dress.

Apparently, the aging newspaper, while staying away from the yellow journalism of other Israeli papers, is nevertheless trying to exhibit more “inioot” (that is, the quality of being “in” in Israeli, pronouned “in-ee-yoot“). As a result, they interviewed a guy on the street who was dressed rather strangely. See, they’re trying to keep up with fashion trends. Get it?

There are only two problems: the interview itself is extremely boring and they didn’t even include a picture of the guy!!

Fish guts! 10 shekel a kilo!

The following story comes from a dear friend of mine who recently made Aliyah. I’ve been explaining to him that life in Israel is full of really funny stuff and he’s been taking it all in. Yesterday, I got the following story in my inbox and I had to share.

For other funny stories, visit his blog. 

Here’s his story…

Living in Jerusalem is a great challenge, especially if you go around assuming that things make some modicum of sense, like an insane asylum, where the lines of insanity are clearly demarcated by locked doors (insane) and guys in white coats (sane). Here, it’s also like an insane asylum, except there are no clear borders, everything’s mushed together like a Jerusalem mixed grill, and the only guys in white coats are the ones who stand behind smelly counters all day at the shuk and their coats are smattered with fish guts and they’re yelling at you, “Fish guts! 10 shekel a kilo!” in 5 second intervals, each one louder than the next, until you come up to him and ask him what kind of fish guts he’s selling and he yells at you for disturbing him because he was in a groove.

So as to the belief that there is some sense in this city – only crazed lunatics believe such nonsense. Nobody here does. Everyone here is completely honest with himself, he lives in reality, he has no fantasies, he’s a realist, which is why he never assumes that when the Israel Museum attempts to charge you 37 shekels for entry during what was advertised as a free weekend, maybe, at least, someone would be at the counter to sell you the ticket, and that the museum wouldn’t be closed for renovations after you got one.

Psycometri Dish

 

As fellow Zabajnikit Maya (ok, well, not so much Zabaj on her as she’s like 90 lbs soaking wet) is nearing her Israeli rite-of-passage, the dreaded “psychometri” exam, we learned some fun things about how the test itself is composed and what it means to Israelis and Israeli society.

It’s divided into a few parts, including Hebrew, Logic, and Math, among others. The Hebrew part I’m sure is pretty tough, but I thought I could wrap my head around the Israeli Logic section pretty well. Israeli Logic…here are some actual* sample questions from the upcoming 2007 exam. The answers are below the jump, let’s see how you do!

Answer the following multiple choice (Americai) questions.

1. (5 pts) You are waiting in line at the bank where there are two windows with tellers, and eight without. You are thirteenth in line. Suddenly, another window opens. Do you:

a) Continue waiting, relieved that at least the line will now progress more quickly

b) Take the window opening as a sign that other windows should be opened as well, and let fly a good “ALLO ALLO!”

c) Quickly rush to the newly opened window ahead of anyone else, regardless of your position in line or trampling anyone in the way

d) Line? What are you doing waiting in line in the first place? Go *immediately* to the front and demand service, frier!!

2. (3 pts) You are driving on a three-lane in each direction highway approaching an intersection. You need to make a left turn, but you notice that there is a large buildup of cars also waiting to make said turn. The other two (non-turn) lanes are wide open. Select the logical solution:

a) Enter the queue of cars at the end and await a green arrow

b) Stay in the center lane and turn from there, screw the green arrow

c) Stop at the end of the center lane, block traffic in this lane, and force your way into the front of the line, honking profusely

d) Reverse around the corner from the other side, make a three-point-turn, and look at everyone you’re inconveniencing as “frierim” who should never look at you like that

3. (10 pts) You’re at a bar with Dudi, Hezi, and Motti. You order a rum and Coke, and Dudi and Hezi order a different drink from you but the same drink as each other. Motti is drinking something red, but then orders a drink with the same carbonation as you but served in the same glass as Dudi and Hezi. What are you drinking?

a) Goldstar

b) Vodka Redbull

c) Chaser of schoog

d) None of the above — all of you are sharing one beer that remains half-full all night

4. (3.5 pts) You and a passenger are driving and need to park in front of your favorite café, but doing so requires you to block in a parked car as well as disrupt traffic in the lane you’re blocking. But you want to park there. Select the logical response:

a) Let your friend off to buy you both coffee and drive around the block so as to not disrupt the flow of traffic

b) Stop in front of the café, but send your passenger as in a) and remain in the car with the hazard lights on in case you have to move

c) Stop in front of the café, enjoy a nice coffee break, but keep a good eye on your car and move it if neccesary

d) Go inside the café, take your sweet damn time, and if anyone says anything about you blocking them in and/or blocking traffic, make sure they understand that this is their fault, not yours, and “lo kara klum.”

Countering “totalitarian democracy”

Anyone who is familiar with Israeli “newspaper” sites is very familiar with te ubiquotous “talkback” feature at the bottom of almost every single page. The responses to articles on any Israeli news site are usually extremely vile, vulgar and disgusting. You’d think the only people who take the time to contribute are out of work psychopaths.

Well, one intrepid Israeli filmmaker took the plunge and produced an entire documentary about the “talkbackers.” Check out a funny video about the movie to gain some more insight into this wacky place we call home.

A Tel Aviv New Year

For the secular folks in Israel there isn’t really a big focus on saying “happy new year” these days. Instead, they prefer wishing each other that they go conduct sexual intercourse with themselves.

Driving in Israel, Part I

I feel like driving in Israel deserves its own series. Why? Well because anytime you get on the road, either as a driver or as a passenger, you’re basically playing a game of Russian Roulette. Seriously. I feel like people say that about driving in New York too…but believe me when I tell you that driving in Israel is worse than anything you can imagine.

Anyway…I was smart enough to sort out the driver’s license business when I first moved to this country. I did a little lesson and took a little test and that was that. I knew I wouldn’t be driving anytime soon but I wanted to go ahead and get it out of the way. Finally, about two years after my arrival, I’ve been blessed with a car. A brand new car. Like many Israelis, I have leased a car through my company…it’s one of the perks of working in high tech. I’ve been lucky.

The first few days, I drove very timidly and cautiously and I was a friar. We’ve had that lesson on Zabaj before…what is a friar? A friar is someone who gets taken advantage of…the polite person or the quiet person…yeah…we get walked all over in this country. I had to quickly learn to assert myself on the roads. And I became very observant of all the mess that happens and all the really stressed out people behind the wheels of cars.

How can everyone be so stressed out? Well…it’s much like the escalator situation in this country. There just isn’t any urban planning. Everything is kind of thrown together. In America, you have all the up escalators grouped together so you can just go up and up and up without really pushing your way through crowds of people. Likewise with the down escalators.

In Israel…the up escalators and the down escalators are all clumped together so that whether you’re going up or down, you inevitably have to FIGHT traffic on each level to get to the next escalator. It makes absolutely no sense. And this is all besides the fact that people like to congregate and hover right on the entrance to every single escalator. For no reason. They just stand there and talk with old friends…completely blocking all traffic. Totally oblivious.

That’s how the roads are. The exit lanes onto major highways run parallel to the entrance lanes so everyone who is trying to get onto the highway has to merge with everyone trying to get OFF the highway. And it’s a long stretch of just utter chaos where everyone has to be extremely forceful and basically push people out of the way with their cars. It’s stressful for no reason. Where are the urban planners?

I feel like a great part of why everyone drives so insanely is because the way the roads are constructed make us insane. And I’ve found myself doing some insane things lately too! Like totally tailgating the car in front of me at high speeds because I know that if I am able to see his wheels touching the pavement, the guy to my right or to my left will suddenly decide he HAS to be in my lane…in front of me. It’s every man for himself out there…

Urban planners? Anyone? Anyone?

Fun Times @ EEEKea

Ikea, that is.*

Is the cafeteria that good? I’m used to waiting in Soviet breadlines for most things around here, but should it really extend to the g-damn mediocre Ikea cafeteria? Observe:

Even the guys in the poster on the wall seem to be impatiently waiting to get some hummus flavored Jello. Jeez.

One good thing I gotta mention about Ikea in Israel tho:

At least I can get drunk and furnish my apartment for what should be cheaper furniture as I remember it being in N. America but is just expensive cheap crap.

*Language police disclaimer: yes I know that it’s probably pronounced EEkea in Sweden and in Israel it’s pronounced more correct than in America blah blah blah. It’s just funny to hear it called EEkea, okay?

Still Should Just Go F*ck Myself…

Still looking for an apartment. Yes, since the last post about that I sorta gave up temporarily as I was super-busy and really had no patience for the whole thing.

It still sucks. Found another funny Israeli aspect of the whole process: Apartments for Exchange:

So, get this: if I like this apartment (no picture for any help there), AND I’m willing to pay $600 for it, I can rent it, right? Wrong! This doofus has to like MY apartment enough to move into it as well. And *that* price has to be right. Yeah, this isn’t an invitation to a total waste of time or anything.

Back when I was looking before I called one of these guys as I couldn’t actually believe this could be the case. I asked him about the apartment; he told me all the details and after I said “ok, well, should I come see it?” he asked, “well, do you have an apartment for me, too?” Find your own damn apartment!

Did I mention it’s a seller’s market here?

Israelis. Wine. New York. Passover.

Coming to you live from New York with an on-the-scene Zabaj exclusive…

If you know anything about Israelis and alcohol you know the two don’t really go together. Although Israelis love going out late and partying to “black music” (that’s how hip-hop is called in Hebrew) they don’t really drink much alcohol. Israelis don’t know how to drink and don’t like drinking. Their idea of drinking is to go out with a big group, share a single Bacardi Breezer (or Smirnoff Ice) and drink from it out of a straw. They usually just make it through half the bottle and take the rest as a “take away” order.

Armed with this knowledge I had a funny experience in New York right as Passover came to an end. Having gone out for dinner to a nice Italian restaurant, I was seated next to two Israeli girls. When they finished eating and flirting with the waiter they left… and left on the table two full glasses of wine. It wouldn’t be so funny if it wasn’t so typical, and sad.

Ode to the cab driver…

Another story from the early days of my aliyah…this one is from 4 months in!

——————————

The cab driver rolled down his window and asked a man carrying bags of groceries, “L’eifo atah holech?” (“Where are you going?”)

“Shoom makom,” he responded. (“Nowhere.”)

“L’eifo tzarich?,” (“Where do you need?”) the cab driver asked. He was being pushy…but such is life in Israel.

I was happily sitting in the back seat watching the whole thing unfold and while I thought it was a bit funny for a cab driver to do the approaching, I just sat patiently because I wasn’t in a hurry. I don’t mind sharing cabs because usually it leads to interesting conversation and a chance for me to practice my bad Hebrew.

The grocery bag guy responded again with something like he didn’t really need to go anywhere…he was staying in-town. Well the driver wasn’t taking “no” for an answer so he opened the door and said, “Shev” (“Sit”) and the guy got in the front seat and smiled. He thanked the driver and off we went.

We started talking about where we were from and how long we’d been in Israel. The driver is from Russia and he’d been in Israel for 30 years. The grocery guy was from Argentina and had been in Israel for two years…and me…I’m from the US and have been in Israel for almost 4 months. They were remarking at how good my Hebrew is (ha ha, no) and how wonderful it is that we can all be in a cab together in Israel. The driver even said, “THIS is what is so special about this country!” I was sitting in the back smiling to myself — because I agreed. It IS wonderful that we’re all in one cab together, speaking Hebrew together and enjoying Israel. We’re living the Zionist dream together and working to build Israel into something even more fabulous for future generations. Yes, all of this really WAS going through my head.

On the way to my destination, about halfway there, the grocery guy asked to be let off at a bus stop. The driver pulled over and the grocery man opened the door and thanked him. The driver said, “Kesef” (“Money”) and the grocery guy looked confused. They then had an exchange about how cab drivers don’t give free rides. Grocery man (his Hebrew wasn’t very good…almost as shaky as mine) tried to explain that he didn’t order a cab and had he wanted one in the first place, he would have gone to the cab station. The driver said he didn’t care. He wanted his money…he didn’t just drive people around for free. Grocery man said he should have clearly stated that he was a cab driver and that he would request money because he got confused when the driver told him to sit.

I listened quietly in the back. I sort of empathized with the grocery man because I had noted that it was weird for the driver to be so aggressive…but I also agreed with the driver because really, who expects a free ride from a cab driver??

The grocery man finally just got out and slammed the door without paying. The driver looked back at me and asked me what he should do. “Should I start a fight?” he asked.

“Lo. Lo nora. Kadima,” I said. (“No. It’s not terrible. Let’s go.”)

The driver asked me why I thought that. He said that any other driver would get out and punch the guy. I said, (still in Hebrew) “For what? For 8 shekels? His stop is on the way to my stop. (switch to English) It’s not like you had to drive all the way over there and then back here for him.” He explained to me how driving a cab works in Israel. He basically rents the car from the cab company and has to pay something like 300 shekels a day for the privilege. He has to make at least that much in one day to make his work worthwhile. I understand his feeling of urgency but dude, you basically shoved the guy in your cab! I didn’t say that out loud but that’s what I was thinking.

He started laughing and drove me home.

“Eize ketah,” (“What a scene”) he said as I got out of the cab.

“Erev tov,” (“Good night”) I replied.

An oldie but a goodie…

I was feeling reflective and went back to read some journal entries from the beginning of my aliyah experience. I thought I’d share one I’d almost forgotten about…

To preface — I had attempted to withdraw cash for the first time at the ATM located inside the bank I bank with. Israeli banks assign PIN numbers and don’t let you choose your own so I just couldn’t remember it. After 3 wrong tries, the card was taken from me. And so begins the saga of getting it back…

————————–

I woke up early and went to the bank. I needed to get my ATM card back before the weekend. The ATM that took my card is located inside my branch. I walked in and waited. And waited. Not too long of a wait…but just long enough. I finally had my turn and I asked the guy for my card.

“Why did the caspomat (ATM) take your card?” he asked.

“I forgot my PIN,” I replied sheepishly. I then asked him if I could choose my own PIN so I can remember it. He laughed and said “No” with a hint of “Duh.”

And then he went on to tell me that it will take a week to get the card back. Why? Because the ATM in the branch sends the card to Tel Aviv and then it comes back. Why? Why not?

The stupid card doesn’t even work all the time. It’s like a starter check. They want you to think you can use it but it has a stamp on it that tells everyone that it’s the most basic, starter card in the world. It got denied at Max Brenner’s Chocolate Shop when the bill was only 60 shekels. So I asked the guy how many shekels I have to deposit to get a “real” card.

“What do you mean by real card?”

“You know what I mean. A real Visa card that is really accepted everywhere,” I replied.

“Five thousand shekels,” he replied.

“And how long would it take to get that card if I deposited 5000 shekels?” I asked.

“A week.”

So yeah. I have to give them money to give me credit. And I have to wait a week to get it. I kind of understand the whole “deposit” thing since I have no credit in this country but still…if they HAVE all my money in my account and they can see that I have enough money to cover a low line of credit, then why should it matter?

Israel Me’sudar?? Don’t be Me’shuga!!

I sometimes have nightmares of the first few months of moving to Israel and having to struggle through the bureaucratic wasteland that lay ahead of me. I remember that despite being a ‘stick your head in the sand’ kind of person when it comes to having to deal with these things I was forced to wait in long queues to register my status as New Immigrant (Olah Chadashah), register myself for rent assistance, register my driving licence to be converted, register myself for a conversion driving test, pay for a new driving license and then pay pay pay… They will never let me stop paying! 

Due to this nightmare I, as with many new immigrants who can, actively avoid having to visit the various ministries in their large intimidating buildings full of people pushing, crazy queues (I think it has already been said that Israeli’s do not queue), which ultimately end in another fruitless day sat around waiting for someone to help you, only to be told that you followed the sign to the toilet cubicles when you were looking for the cubicle to renew your car license (an honest mistake). 

However, sometimes the unavoidable occurs and I find myself staring beyond the obstacle in front of me and staring at a long deserved holiday abroad, I know that I have to take the leap. Only to take the leap one must get a passport. 

Up to a year of living in Israel you are eligible for a temporary passport (Teudat Ma’avar), without which you would not be allowed to leave the country, not even with your country of origin’s passport. When I originally went to the Interior Ministry (Misrad Hapnim) to apply for my first Teudat Ma’avar I remember walking into the new offices placed within a new forty storey building and feeling totally lost among all the different signs to the different departments. I remember walking to information only to be told that as the place was new they did not have any information. I remember that when I finally found the place I needed to be I sat in what I thought was a queue for twenty minutes only to realise that I was supposed to take a number. Finally after I took a number and sat for a further twenty minutes, I ran to the rather abrupt woman sat in my assigned cubicle who, after a further fifteen minutes of filing out forms in Hebrew, informed me that my Teudat Ma’avar would be delivered to my local post office where I could pick it up in a couple of weeks. The collection from the post office is another story… 

So when Miss Sheva called me late last night and reminded me that it was coming up to the time that I had to make the choice of either getting an Israeli passport, renewing my Teudat Ma’avar, or not ever leaving the country, I felt a shiver rush down my spine… Not another trek through Israel’s bureaucratic wilderness! It took the Children of Israel 40 years wandering in the desert to find Israel. It seems no different for the Oleh Chadash finding their way in Israel.  

Nevertheless I decided to pull off the process like a plaster (band-aid) and take my leap over the hurdle and so this morning at 7.30am Miss Sheva and I walked from the Dizengoff centre, down Kaplan towards the looming building where the Misrad Hapnim is housed. We arrived hot and bothered, the make-up we had plastered on ourselves to have pictures for our new passports taken running down our faces, our hair looking more than windswept and not looking forward to having to sit around and wait… although we were prepared for it. 

8.12am – Arrive at the steps of the Misrad Hapnim – bags searched.

8.13am – Ascend the escalators to the correct department for visas.

8.15am – Have bags checked again and go through security check in order to enter the offices.

8.16am – Try to enter the offices to be stopped by security guard who informs us that we need to go to Information.

8.17am – Stand in queue for Information

8.18 am – Ask the lady in Information where we need to go to, only to be told that she could renew the passports then and there. 

And then and there she did. In record breaking time, Miss Sheva and I received our renewed passports (which we did not have to pay for), I received a new cover for my Identity Card (Teudat Zehut) and changed my address and we were back downstairs queuing for coffee in seven and a half minutes!  

Seven and a half minutes! Has Israel finally got herself in order? Finally has Israel learnt the fine art of efficiency? We soon realised that our shock and awe was short-lived, or should I say long-lived as we realised in our excitement over the seven and a half minute experience that it was taking us twenty minutes to get a coffee… Oh well one step at a time Israel, one step at a time.

Top 10 Ways the Hooters in Israel Will Be Different

10) The mild wings will be mild, and the medium wings will be mild and the hot wings will be mild

9) Lots of zabaj

8 ) “I go there for the wings” = “I go there for the hummus”

7) Cafe botz

6) Random frechot passers-by will be mistaken as employees (and probably will be)

5) The 3-mile island wings will be Ke’ilu Harif…the 911 wings will be Ke’ilu Ke’ilu Harif…and the samurai wings will be wings in thai sweet sauce

4) Shirat HaSirena will work there

3) There’ll be a selectorit to keep all the arsim out

2) Somehow they’ll find a way to charge you for the boobs (cost/boob)

1) One word: “Hooters-im” (הוטטארסים)

They Want Me to Bring a Cake? YOU Bring a Cake.

Another post about “Zabaj @ the Workplace.”

Birthdays come about once a year ’round here in Yisroel; they’re commemorated at the workplace with a cake and presents just like they would be anywhere else.

Except, there’s a small twist: for some reason, the person having the birthday is responsible for his own g-damn cake. Like, what, I go to the bakery and tell the guy to write “Happy Birthday to ME?” And so you have to remember to go get a cake (kosher too, in most cases) and bring it to work — and what if you take a bus? Like, they want me to carry a cake on the bus? You take a bus.

Annen, I forget my cake, and everyone is ready, and now I’m the asshole. On my own birthday. Splendid.